Open End To The Deep Sea

Do you ever listen to a song and know that somehow it was written for you or is inspired by your own life? I was working today, while listening to one playlist on loop. There was this one song that made me stop my work and read the lyrics, and the song is exactly the reason behind why I’m writing this.

Before going into the details, the song was Chosen Last by Sara Kays. If you have heard of it, you know how it speaks about a person who has social anxiety since the time has existed and how it has affected all their friendships and relationships.

I am blessed to have a couple of people in my life right now, who mean more than the world to me, but it wasn’t always like that. I remember, when I was in third grade, I was a part of a group, wherein one girl was the mother of all, the other was all rounder and the other was the sensitive one, while me? I just existed. It wouldn’t matter if I skip school, because they won’t notice that someone was missing at the lunch table.

I remember coming back from school and talking to my sister who could barely speak, “but at least she listens!” is what I would think to myself.

I remember packing my bag in a hustle every single day towards the end of the last period, because if I was left a little behind, they would not wait, and why would they?

There was nothing that I brought to the group, I was the one who would just sit and listen instead of speaking my mind. I was afraid that if I said something they don’t agree to, I would go back to sitting alone at the lunch table.

I missed many birthday parties, only because I knew that my absence won’t make a difference, and because I knew I would be standing in the far end of every group picture.

And now, years later, my young adult and older teen self finds herself uncomfortable, less confident, and unsettled in social situations when she is surrounded by her own peers. From avoiding leaving my cosy blanket and teddy to keeping my eyes lowered to my feet when surrounded by a huge group of people.

Keeping my mouth shut, staring dead into the screen of my phone, picking on my nails every now and then, staring at the door hoping for someone comforting to enter the room or leaning into someone comforting already in the room.

Everytime someone sees me from a far away distance in a party, they think that I’m uninterested. Meanwhile me, I’m just trying to fight off my ‘fawn’ response and suppress the people pleaser inside of me who is killing the vibe of the ‘socially anxious’ me.

But, as the water is rising above my shoulder and will soon cross my head, I see an end to this deep sea. It’s the place where the sand welcomes me barefoot and the woods helps my isolation. I leave the woods every now and then, and try to feel the sand with my barefoot, learning that the glass in it doesn’t hurt as much as I thought.